Is it just me or has April been this shittiest month so far? Fuuuuu…. I haven’t blogged the entire month and I wasn’t going to share this but often, writing is a way of venting for me; a clean slate that allows me to bury shit and move on. If I could perform a séance and conjure up the evil spirits only to banish them I would but alas, I left my Ouija board in my other purse.

April has always been an emotionally charged month for me. The 15th was Liam’s expected due date and it usually saddens me more than his birthday, more than Christmas, more than the anniversary of his passing. I guess, for some reason, I tell myself that if I had made it to the 15th he’d still be here with us. It’s a day I end up punishing myself for not pushing harder and making it to at least 30 weeks. Thankfully, Will knows me so well and is always ready to put a smile on my face. But this month, my pillar of strength was vulnerable and I really hope that I did even half as an amazing job as he always does. (I have to say that this role that husbands and partners play, often goes unnoticed!)

We had a hospital scare for one of our family members and this time I did what Will usually does – shielded him from any information that’s better left unsaid until we have good news. Thankfully, all was good. As someone who runs completely on emotions, it devoured my insides, but made me appreciate the incredible person that Will is even more.

April also became an annoying reminder that our little family has always lived in the disclaimer section. I spend so much time spreading autism and prematurity awareness that I sometimes forget that Lily is a CHD baby. It’s a chapter of our lives that I had buried into the deepest crevices of my mind that I imagined it had closed. But those damn reminders keep rearing their ugly heads. Like when I have to buy cough meds and check for ephedrine that could make her heart race. Recently, Lily had been complaining about her teeth. I noticed a little swelling around the gum. Never in my life did I think that I’d ever beg the universe for something not to be an abscess. Please don’t ever ask Dr. Google after 12 am. In fact, not ever.

As with any doctor’s appointment I could only see a dentist three days later, so I spent two nights holding a warm compress to my little pumpkin’s cheek, giving pain meds and lying awake worrying about her. Again, thankfully, all was good.

There were a few other hiccups like an R11 000 quote to fix our car during a bus strike (I really hope the guys get their increase, R1500 a week is disgraceful!), and seeing a business idea I’ve been afraid to implement, done by someone else. It was a truly heartbreaking month.

But April did come with its lessons. Every season passes and with it comes strengths that you didn’t know you had. The start of each day is a chance for a new attitude, a new beginning, a new dream. Womxn, there’s an incredible fire that burns within each of us. Every womxn, at any low point in her life and taken the opportunity to sit still and dig so deeply within herself and find a courageous resilience that makes her pick herself p and move on.

To May! The month of motherhood and strong womxn everywhere. May it be filled with new possibilities, new friendships, new beginnings, new dreams, new hopes, new challenges, new strengths, a new mindset and fingers cross, new results. 



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