My dearest Ila,
This isn’t the kind of
letter you usually write to a younger sibling. In fact, it’s usually the other
way around. You’ll write a letter to the bigger sister, readying them for your
arrival, readying them for the time taken from them to take care of you. But
your sister is a special needs kid. So there will be times where she needs
special attention.
I have been writing this
letter to you in my head since before you were born, before I was pregant. Your
dad and I discussed whether we’d be happy to raise two special needs kids, and
ultimately we decided that we knew no other life. That we were already in love
with you. With your sister, we were thrust into a foreign world, without a map,
without instructions, without being able to speak the language or ask for
directions. Our lives revolved her completely. Making school appointments, ENT
specialist appointments, speech therapy appointments, EEG appointments. And on
some days we were so focused on doing the right thing rather than just spending
time with her, loving her. Through all of this, somehow, we were prepared for
another autistic child. But a few weeks before you were born I started having
insomnia and anxiety about you not being autistic. I don’t think in the history
of having kids that any mom has ever been worried about her kid NOT being
autistic. For a long time, you were just a concept in our minds. But now that
you’re here, and I see you eat every meal placed in front of you, sleep through
renovations and reach every milestone in a textbook fashion, my fears have
become so real. You are here, so bubbly, so busy, so determined, such a social
butterfly. You’re crawling around, eating everything in sight, so ‘aware’ that
sometimes I cry a little. Because I know what lies ahead.
So, my darling Ila,
I’m sorry if it’ll sometimes
seem that we’re tending more to Lily's needs than yours.
I’m sorry that you’ll one
day have to leave parties you’re enjoying because she is overwhelmed.
I’m sorry that sometimes
money will go the therapy for her, rather than swimming lessons for you.
I’m sorry that it’ll seem
that I’ve spent all my energy on her, with very little left for you.
I’m sorry that she’ll get
the choice of better schools and extracurricular activities that’ll help her on
her journey.
I’m sorry that some days
you’ll have to take the role of the “big sister”, and grow up faster, as you
explain the struggles, joys an ills of the world – in all their realistic
glory. Whether relating to studies or careers or relationships or friendships,
or coming into your own as a womxn.
I’m sorry that we might move
away from a place or friends you love, in search of a better life for her.
I’m sorry that it’ll seem
that we love you less.
I’m sorry that there’ll be
things she’ll struggle with that you may have to help her with.
I’m sorry there may be
things that she excels at that you struggle with. I’m certain that you will
help each other.
I’m sorry that there’ll be
days where you’re frustrated - angry at the attention taken from you or simply
frustrated at how unfair life can be. I’m sorry that you’ll feel you’ll have to
bottle it all up. Know that you’ll never be a burden to me. That you can always
come to me. I will always listen.
I’m sorry that we’ll spoil
you a little, desperately trying to make up for our shortcomings as parents.
I’m sorry that you’ll watch ‘Dora’ 114 times.
I’m sorry that you’ll watch ‘Dora’ 114 times.
Although Lily is fiercely
independent and I don’t think this may be the case, nevertheless, I’m sorry
that you may have to take care of her when we’re gone.
I’m sorry that it’ll seem
that your victories and achievements are less important, while we celebrate that Lily grabbed a
handful of sand without squirming.
I’m sorry that I may forget
things that are important to you.
I’m sorry that you’ll one
day surpass your sister’s abilities and feel guilty.
I’m sorry that you’ll want
to share things with her that she won’t understand.
I’m sorry that you’ll have
to share even more than other kids do.
I’m sorry that you’ll sometimes
get uncomfortable stares. But I already know you, and know that you’ll handle it boldly.
I’m sorry that you’ll feel
pressured to be the ‘perfect’ sibling – the one you believe your parents
dreamed of. I can assure you, both of you already are. And you were since the
minute we first met you.
I’m sorry that she may miss
your first ballet/flute recital because the sounds will overload her.
I’m sorry that there’ll be
days where I am a ‘terrible mother’, failing at everything, excelling at none.
I’m sorry. But this I can
say. The things I can promise you, far outweigh the things that I’m sorry for.
Your sister already loves
you more than you can imagine. It’s so strange, she has my exact personality
and you, my sister Caron’s. I can’t even begin to describe what a blessing that
is. Based on our relationship, ahead of you lies something so beautiful and
precious; an eternal friendship. You’ll have someone who will have your back,
no matter what. Someone who will listen to your every bit of pain, however
minuscule, and celebrate your successes with more excitement than you can
muster. Someone who will stand up for you when the world lets you down. Someone
who will value you when the world underappreciates you. Someone who’ll offer a
shoulder even on days where you think you don’t need one. Someone who will know
you, and see you and love you and know your worth. Someone who you won’t be
able to 'bullshit' on days where you put on a fake smile. Someone who will
encourage you when you feel like giving up. Someone who will push you beyond
your limits. Someone who will believe in you, every day. Someone who will only
ever have your best interest at heart. Someone who will brush on your make-up in
the morning, and wipe away your tears at night. Someone you can stand with side
by side, and have conversations with, without using words. Someone who will help you.
Already Lily is so protective
of you. She strokes your hair and says, “Shhh, the baby is sleeping. On days
where you shed tears, she comes in running, ready to attack whoever hurt you.
Once she even grabbed me, not aggressively, lightly, but enough to let me know
that she’ll protect you at all cost. I see how you look at her when she comes
from school, practically leaping from your cot with glee. Already you have a
bond, without words. A bond that can never be broken.
So I can promise you:
I promise you that you will know love. In its simplest, most innocent form. Without all the extraneous trimmings. And there’ll always be an abundance of it.
I promise that we will never love you less.
I promise that we will never love you less.
We will never care any less.
We’ll try our utmost to not place
her needs above yours.
I promise that you will look
at life with a different lens.
I promise you that you will
be kinder, you’ll have more empathy and an understanding of the world. You’ll
accept and appreciate everyone for exactly who they are.
I promise that you will
learn what pain means, which will make the mundane struggles of the world almost
irrelevant. You will learn what’s really important.
You will learn to celebrate
the littlest moments.
You will learn patience.
I promise that I will always
see the good that you do.
I promise that I’ll always
be proud of you.
I promise that we’ll laugh
together, more than most.
I promise that you’ll always
be a part of her life and help become an amazing adult.
I promise that I’ll always
try to split my love, attention and energy fairly.
I promise to find out what
you’re passionate about and celebrate it, every day.
I promise to find ‘our thing’
to enjoy together.
I promise to tell you each
day how amazing you are. How cherished you are. How talented and funny and
beautiful you are.
You have been one of life’s
greatest gifts. And given me memories and milestones I didn’t know I wanted. I
love you so damn much. For months I stared at your sister, wondering how you’d fit
into our lives, since my heart was so full of love for her. But you came, with
that demanding little personality of yours, with that infectious laugh and opened
another compartment in my heart that you filled to the brim.
I promise I will do everything
I can so you know how worthy of love, attention and praise you are.
I promise that I’ll never
give up.
I promise to make you feel
that your every worry and emotion and feeling and achievement has value.
I promise that you are her
first superhero and will remain one in her, and my, eyes.
There will be many things that
I am sorry for, but I promise will all my being that I’ll give you the happy
life you deserve.
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